Learning
to Quarrel - 7 Rules for Successful Quarrelling
Quarrelling
does not give rise to distance, but in many cases allows a closeness to be
achieved for the first time based on mutual trust. The vulnerable side of
a person and their dismay and deepest feelings become visible in a
quarrel, masks are removed and we show ourselves as we really are.
Relationships can grow as a result of this. Mutual understanding and
respect can be fostered. This is why it is important to learn constructive
methods of settling conflicts and disputes.
1. Address the problem immediately
Do not wait for negative feelings build up. Address the problem as
soon it occurs, or as soon as possible afterwards if the chance arises.
2. Use the first person singular when talking
The person opposite me has a much better chance of getting to know and
understand me the more I talk about my feelings and emotions in a
conflict. Saying 'I' instead of 'you' in a quarrel provides another
advantage: i have to show my true colours and become clear in myself about
what I actually want. Being open also encourages others to be open.
3. Do not interrupt
I allow the person opposite me to finish what they are saying and
listen attentively without interrupting. I pay special attention here to
the feelings, needs and interests expressed by the other party. I try to
interpret these interests, needs and feelings and respond to them.
4. Address the person opposite you directly and look at them.
If I want to express something I talk to the person concerned
directly. Do not address whole groups if an individual is being referred
to.
5. Find a common view of the problem
What is the central concern of the quarrel or dispute? How I am
responsible for the causes, how is my partner in conflict responsible? Is
it possible to establish a common view of the problem?
6. Keep to the subject
Stick to the problem which you want to find a solution for. Do not
allow your partner in conflict to jump from one subject to another.
7. Do not accuse or try to hurt
Mutual accusations do not serve to clear up or solve a problem, but
intensify the deadlock.
[Taken from: Walter Kern,
Friedenserziehung heisst: Streiten lernen; in: Suchtpräventionsstelle der
Stadt Zürich (Hg.), Leben hat viele Gesichter, Lausanne 1993] |
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Six
Steps to Solving Problems
1.
Identifying
needs
“What do
you need (or want)?”
The persons involved in a conflict should answer this question without
accusing or ascribing guilt to the one another.
2. Defining the problem
"What do you believe the problem to be in this
situation?"
The whole class can assist in finding a solution which addresses the
needs of both persons without ascribing guilt. The persons affected by
the conflict have to agree on this definition.
3. Hold a brainstorming session to determine a list of potential
solutions
"Who can identify a potential solution to this problem?"
Everyone is the class is allowed to propose an answer. The answers are
written down without comment, judgement or appraisal. The aim of this
step is to find as many potential solutions as possible.
4. Evaluating the solutions
"Would you be happy with this solution?"
Each party to the conflict goes through the list of alternatives and
states which solution is acceptable.
5. Decide on the best solution
"Do both sides agree to the solution? Does this solve the
problem?”
Both sides agreeing and acknowledging their effort to solve the
conflict needs to assured.
6. Check whether the solution works
"Let's talk again soon to see whether the problem has really
been solved."
A plan should drawn up as to how the solution is to be appraised.
Appraisal can take place a couple of minutes later, in an hour, on the
next day or next week, depending on the nature of the conflict and the
age of those concerned.
[Sousan
Fountain: Leben in Einer Welt. Anregungen zum globalen Lernen.
Braunschweig 1996, S. 156]
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