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Further
study: rules of communication
You will
find a detailed section on 'Communication - The Key to Solving Conflicts' as a
part of this basic course in the chapter on 'Solving Conflicts'. Amongst other
things, this chapter deals with the rules of communication in conflict and the
significance of body language:
Fair
Communication and Solving Conflicts According to Thomas Gordon
Thomas
Gordon, an American psychologist from the humanistic school, is known for his
'Family Conference', 'Teacher Conference' and 'Manager Conference'
communications concept. This model deals with the general rules of communication
and solving conflicts. Mutual respect and empathetic understanding should make
it possible to solve conflicts on a win-win basis. The aim is to learn to
represent your own needs without ignoring the needs of others, in order to
prevent frustration and resignation,
 | be
honest with yourself (recognise your needs, feelings, wants, the effect of
the behaviour of others on yourself), without analysing and devaluing the
other, |
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listen
to one another with empathy and support others in their attempt to express
themselves clearly and unambiguously, |
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solve
conflicts creatively to the satisfaction of all, |
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develop
advisory skills to guide other people in solving their conflicts.
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Important
aspects of fair communication are:
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expressing
yourself clearly in the first person singular (‘I’ form), |
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Identifying
and avoiding deprecating 'you' expressions, |
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describing
problematic behavior/errors instead of criticizing,
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listening
intently, identifying blockages in communication and switching to
active listening,
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expressing
feelings instead of acting them out, |
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not
telling others how to behave. |
Besides
practicing these rules of communication, the concern here is to learn
strategies for settling conflicts. Strategies for fair communication involve:
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the
confrontational discussion, |
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the
win-win approach to solving conflicts, |
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the
clarifying discussion. |
The
confrontational discussion is something that we practice daily.
Frequently this concerns getting your own way – using power at the price
of the relationship - or not getting your own way and feeling unhappy,
because no change in the unwanted situation takes place. Using the principle
of fair communication, there is also a third way of influencing others
without damaging the relationship.
A
second strategy involves the 'win-win approach to solving conflicts'.
This is suitable for complex questions affecting several people where
several needs have to taken into consideration. A suitable approach is to
split up the solution process into several steps:
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identifying
needs, |
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collating
ideas for solutions, |
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appraising
the suggestions, |
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making
decisions, |
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planning
implementation, review efficiency. |
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Talking
in the First Person Singular
Talking
in the first person singular means accepting responsibility for what
your say, and being direct and unambiguous in your expression. The
partner (in conflict) is not accused ("you...!"), but the
effects of his actions placed centre field in my own statements.
Talking in the first person singular means talking about your own
wishes, needs and interests. Making statements in the first person
incorporates an authentic style of speech which can easily sound
implausible if given a technocratic edge. It should not be used as a
technological technique, but express real emotion.
Generalizations are to
be avoided as a part of this. Not:
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“We all
know that...” |
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“Everyone
says that...” |
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“If you
consider...” |
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“It's
always the same...” |
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“You are
completely...” |
Instead:
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“I would
like...” |
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“I worry
about...” |
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“That
results in a feeling of...in me...” |
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“I'm not
sure whether I have understood you correctly when...” |
Making
the impact of the behavior of the other person on your own feelings
clear:
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“When
you say that/do that... I get a feeling of... I feel...because
it...me...”
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The
third way of solving conflicts takes place at a personal level. This concerns
clarifying problems in a discussion between partners in close personal
relationships. Expectations, needs and wishes are clarified and agreements made
in two-way dialogue.
As a whole, the object of communication training is to impart a basic humanistic
attitude through pragmatism and to practice basic communication skills so as to
be able to live peaceably together (...). Particular importance is given to
talking in the first person singular in the Gordon Model (see the text on
Talking in the First Person Singular' on the right).
[Ausländerbeauftragte der Landeshauptstadt München
(Hrsg.): Konflikte lösen – der Gewalt vorbeugen. München 1995, p. 25]
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